The death of a soul is the pungent smell of ashes, and charred earth. This battlefield of defeat was familiar to me. I had been here before, years before, and here I was again with my rejection wound wide open and bleeding again.
The first time I lay dying on this dismal landscape of the enemy’s kingdom, I was going through a divorce and the rejection had left my soul so bloody and wounded, I thought for sure that the enemy had victory over me. I recall in specific detail standing in a barren landscape. The sky was hazy with gray smoke while a red twilight filled the emptiness. The ground was charred and burned, with some remnants of black disfigured trees and leaves that were still burning. There were outlines of all the dreams I built my life around. The new house we bought together. The shining example of a loving marriage we would be for my unborn son. The teaching career I started. The many hours logged in five years of marriage. Our church home. The complete trust and vulnerability I gave to my partner. I examined the pale color of a leaf and watched as the fire consumed it slowly before my very eyes. This is what was left of my life, ashes. My dreams, my hopes were now ashes on the wind. There was nothing this fire did not burn. My own body was on the ground and my heart was slowly bleeding out from the rejection and pain I felt. I knew I was dying, that there was no hope for me left. I could feel the life leaving my body with each strained and difficult breath. Satan had won, there was no life left. I could feel the smoldering arrows from his quiver buried in my chest. The arrow that said I was unloved. The arrow that told me no one wanted me. The arrow that said, “See God lied, he has no purpose for your life, He doesn’t want you.” The arrow that whispered, “You Fool, no one is coming to save you, you are all alone and NO ONE is coming.” I could hear the cackle of demons as tears dropped from my eyes.
My body had no more strength to fight, the weight on top of me was insurmountable and there I was sinking slowly into the ground, blood-covered and battle weary.
I don’t know what released it, but somewhere deep inside my soul, the spirit moved from desperation and formed the almost silent word from my lips.
“Jesus”
He seemed like an old friend from the distant past and nothing in my circumstances looked like Him, but still, it came from deep within. A small mustard seed of hope that maybe I wasn’t alone on this scorched earth. The familiar word rang more and more true in my heart and I called out, but the words were barely audible. A silent whisper of the heart, but I called with everything I had,
“JESUS.”
And there He was. I was dying. I had nothing to ward off an enemy that wanted to annihilate me and everything in my life that was good. I could see Him in the darkness. I could see Him there. I felt the strength of his arms around my wounded body.
“Why Lord? Why didn’t you just leave me there? Just let me die God, the pain is too much. This pain hurts beyond what I can bear God. Let me Die!”
“No” His steady and firm voice bellowed into the darkness and shook the earth. No beloved, I already died for you and you are going to live because of it.” Then I felt it. The arm of God reached around me and began to lift my lifeless body into flight. I wish I could claim surrender here, but I fought back. I was pounding my fists against Jesus, screaming to leave me, let me die. Why? It was all the enemy had let me know. He held me tighter, He lifted me up tenderly and said once more “No! Because beloved, I have plans for you. I want to heal you. I love you. Will you let me tend to your wounds?”
“God I have been told I am worthless and no one wants me.”
“No beloved, let me speak truth to your heart today.” “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness” (Jeremiah 31:5) Morgan, I love you.
“God, I gave my heart to someone and committed to be his wife forever, but he threw me away Jesus.”
Morgan I love you. ” For your Maker is your husband- the Lord Almighty is his name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit-a wife who married young only to be rejected,” says your God.” (Isaiah 54:5-6)
“Jesus, I can’t fight anymore, the wounds, the pain, it’s just too much. The rejection slices right through me. It is killing me, God. It’s boring straight through my heart and killing me.”
” Then release it to me, child, Let my love fill the wounds with healing and light.”
” But God, all I know is my woundedness. I don’t know how to live healed. I don’t know how to let go. “
“I won’t force you daughter, for my healing is gentle and will come when you are ready, but the freedom it brings is waiting for you.”
This wrestling match with the Lord continues to this day, as I bring one enemy made wound out after another and he gently meets them with the truth of his words and love. Some wounds are healed, some are still bleeding and some get ripped open, but he has never let me go. The death of a soul may smell like ashes and charred earth. But the resurrection of a soul feels like the invisible touch of wind caressing your face and carrying you high above the earth. Tenderly, gently he holds you in the clouds and promises to never let you go.
