“How Marvelous is His Love for Me”

No sooner had I woken up this morning, then the words from the beautiful hymn were rising out of my heart to my lips:

Before you tune out because of your pain, thinking this is one of those syrupy sweet over the top praise blogs, let me tell you the mess I’ve been in just weeks before. Would you believe that just a few weeks ago, I was yelling at God? Angry at my situation and angry at Him. I cursed at the Lord. Yes, you read that right. It was real and it was how I’ve been feeling in my heart. I had been on my knees, sob praying for months for help with our finances and instead of answered prayers, it seemed things got worse with one unexpected bill after another. I started to doubt God’s provision and love. Don’t get me wrong, we always had just enough, but never more. What I was wanting was the “more.” On top of all this, I have been suffering intense physical back pain since our youngest was born almost a year ago. I wake up every morning with pain and struggle to do the daily household tasks or even lift my baby. I had been having success at physical therapy and then because of one hard hit after another to our finances, I had to drop out of the one thing that had been helping me. Yes, I was very angry at God and what seemed like a lot of little things had built up to a very large thing in my heart, completely shadowing my view of God’s goodness. The bitterness grew as God asked me to pour out for others during those months, or I watched him provide for those around me, but Satan slowly whispered. “Not You” “You are not important enough to Him, see how He doesn’t care about your pain.”

I have been a Christian since high school and logged a lot of hours with the Lord in this small lifetime of mine, including incredibly painful memories from a divorce and the death of my sister. What is most surprising is how much those times of crisis deepened my faith and strengthened my resolve to lean into the Lord. But only a few weeks before I started losing my hope. Not because of some new catastrophe but a slow drip of the day to day living and difficulty that wears on you. You see God had taught me how to live and love him deeply in the war zone, dodging bullets and bombs, but it seems my greatest crisis of faith was happening in a time a relative peace, where I have too much time on my hands to allow discontentment and resentment to seep in. Waking up with daily back pain and not having the money to afford help was not bringing a restored heart resolved on praising the Lord. How I wish I was that good! No, it brought the sin of anger into my heart and discontentment with my situation. If God really loves me, why is he silent to my cries for help.

In the Old Testament, the Israelites saw great victories in their battles for God, but every time there was a victory, God asked them to build an altar or record the victory, so that in time of peace they could remember what He had done for them, even when their hearts were tempted to grumble. There is one such story in the book 1 Samuel 7:2-14, where God gives the Israelites a great victory against the Philistines and in verse 12, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying ‘Thus far has the Lord helped us.’ So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again” (NIV) This was not only a marker, and dividing line of the Lords favor, but also a visual memory of His provision for generations to come.

So today I am putting in print my Ebenezer for my children and children’s children to see that the Lord does care and I have been foolish. God forgive my sinful heart for I do not deserve the goodness that you pour out. I posted a prayer request yesterday about my back pain and someone reached out. They wanted to financially cover several months of physical therapy for me. At first, in my pride, I didn’t want to accept. The gift was too extravagant and I felt unworthy, especially with so many other needs out there. Then there was a whisper from my Jesus, “Accept it Morgan, because I extravagantly love you. I want you to know I see you and your pain. I have heard you prayers and I see you and love you.” Sometimes I forgot the moments in my life where it has been clear as day that God does see me. This is one of those moments that I don’t want to forget, and while this person was probably being obedient to the Holy Spirit’s prompting with financial provision, they had no idea how deep this went into my heart. No one has poured out for me like this since the previous times of crisis in my life. No strings attached. No expectations, just a generous expression of love.

If you are reading these words today and your hope in God has been floundering because of circumstances. If you doubt his love and goodness, and Satan’s whispers fill your heart with loneliness and discouragement. Can I just pour out of my Ebenezer to you that, He still does. He loves you with an everlasting love and his goodness no one can fathom. Pray to Him in your anger and hurt, call out to Him because he can take it, and

“He Sees You”

“He Loves You”

“You Matter to Him”